


you build a fine shrine in me

by urieskooki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, POV Hinata Shouyou, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Sad Kageyama Tobio, its just sad and then not so sad, thats all it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:50:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urieskooki/pseuds/urieskooki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first thing Shouyou notices about Kageyama when he sees him in the gym that first day of his first year at Karasuno, is how his lips are scabbed and discoloured. The second thing he notices is the scent of iron lingering on his breath, and the third is the blood staining his fingernails. Shouyou may not be very observant, but it’s not that difficult to put it together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you build a fine shrine in me

**Author's Note:**

> hahah watch me project my anxieties on fictional characters. i relate to kageyama a lot ok i will continue to hc that he has similar methods of distraction/habits that i have bc i'm lame :)

The first thing Shouyou notices about Kageyama when he sees him in the gym that first day of his first year at Karasuno, is how his lips are scabbed and discoloured. The second thing he notices is the scent of iron lingering on his breath, and the third is the blood staining his fingernails. Shouyou may not be very observant, but it’s not that difficult to put it together.

It’s two years later, with Shouyou as the team Captain and Kageyama as Vice and it’s only just occurred to Shouyou that he wants to know whether Kageyama tastes like blood too. Two years and he still catches Kageyama with pieces of skin between two fingernails, rip, rip, _ripping_ until it comes off and then he’s bleeding.

It doesn’t take much to make Kageyama bleed, he’s found over the years.

* * *

 

“Why do you do that anyway?”

Kageyama freezes, then trips over Shouyou’s bag. It’s only after he’s taken Shouyou’s hand to pull himself up and continued into the changing room that he snaps back a response.

“Do what?”

Shouyou brings his left hand up to mime picking at his lips, and Kageyama jerks his own away from his own mouth quickly.

“Habit, is all…” He mumbles, and even though Shouyou can sense that he wants the subject dropped, he _doesn’t._

“Why?”

“I just do!”

Shouyou grabs Kageyama’s index finger from where its picking absently at another scab.

“Kageyama!”

“I’m-It’s a nerves thing, alright?”

He chokes, then hurriedly pulls his shirt off, spending _way_ too long under the fabric before pulling on his uniform again.

“Why are you _nervous?_ I’m the only one here.”

The cloying silence says it all.

“Why would you be nervous around _me_?”

That has Kageyama hissing, lips already between his teeth in what Shouyou assumes is a poor imitation of his fingers. He flushes just slightly, and stalks out of the changing room and Shouyou is left wondering what the _fuck_ he’s too uncomfortable about to talk to Shouyou.

* * *

 

He doesn’t sleep easy that night, too busy caught up thinking about a certain teammate with bloody nails and scabbed lips.

Would they be rough to touch? Would he _want_ to kiss Shouyou? Does he even like guys? Would it bother him if he knew that Shouyou isn’t straight?

That’s the thought that consumes him the most.

 _How would he react to knowing Shouyou isn’t straight?_ Would he push him away? Maybe he would, maybe he’d decide he’s uncomfortable being friends with a queer. Lord knows it’s happened enough. He remembers the first year they’d had to kick out when he tried to beat up Noya because he was seen kissing Asahi.

It’s not like he thinks Kageyama is homophobic, he just doesn’t know for a fact that he isn’t. Even if he wasn’t there’s no guarantee that he feels the same as Shouyou does. There’s no guarantee he doesn’t have some pretty girl waiting for him after practice, even if he’s never seemed interested in girls.

Maybe he isn’t interested in _anyone_.

It certainly doesn’t seem like he is, not when Shouyou thinks about how obsessed with volleyball he is.

He figures that if he needs to know it’ll come up but it doesn’t stop him being curious.

It sort of… makes him ache to think about Kageyama looking at him like that boy looked at Noya, _disgusted._

Kageyama picks up on the fourth ring, slurred and briefly Shouyou feels guilty about waking him up when he hears a sleepy mumble.

“’lo?”

“Kageyama?” Is all he manages to say before his throat closes up.

“Hinata? Wha’ssa matter?” He pauses to yawn, “You sound… weird.”

He just breathes for a moment, because Kageyama isn’t mad at him, he’s concerned. “Can… Can I tell you something?”

He doesn’t hear a reply over the blood rushing in his ears as he opens his mouth and prepares to say what might be the end of their friendship. “I-I’m, fuck, I- “He swallows, “Kageyama, I’m- I’m Pansexual.”

“…That means you’re into all genders, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Can I go back to sleep now?” There’s a joking lilt in his voice, and Shouyou almost sighs in relief.

“You’re okay with that?” He just needs to know for certain.

“Yeah, I’m demi. Of course that’s not going to bother me.”

Suddenly Shouyou can breathe again, the air isn’t clogging his lungs like syrup. Kageyama’s _demi_ , he _understands_ him.

“Really?”

“Yes, Hinata. Go to sleep.”

He sighs, teeth digging into his own lips, and he thinks for a second that maybe Kageyama is doing the same. It stings when he nibbles a little too much and tastes the sharp iron of his own blood.

“Okay. G’night, Kageyama.”

“Night, Hinata.”

He hangs up and then Shouyou’s left to burrow deeper under his covers and close his eyes against the moonlight shining in the window. The ache in his chest is easing a little as he thinks to himself,

_Maybe,_

_Just_ maybe _I have a chance._

Shouyou falls asleep with his arms wrapped around a pillow and the beginnings of a smile on his face that doesn’t really do much to completely erase how lonely he is.

* * *

 

“Shouyou?”

“Yeah?”

Their breathing is in sync, fingers loosely entwined under the covers, lazy kisses pressed to collarbones and crowns of heads and it couldn’t be more _perfect._

“I love you.”

“I know that, stupid. I love you too though.”

He only realises one of Tobio’s hands has broken away from his when it starts trailing down the bumps of his spine, fingertips scratching gently where he knows it makes Shouyou purr. Then Tobio’s other hand joins it and they’re moving languidly up and down his back.

Then they tighten almost painfully on Shouyou’s hips, and he dares look up.

His eyes are black.

Tobio smiles and the heat of it warms Shouyou’s cheeks. But… but it’s _actually burning._ There isn’t any heat but Shouyou can feel the orange glow in his chest like it’s burning inside him. He chokes on smoke, but Tobio (is it even him still?) is holding on too tight, arms an iron vice around his waist. Struggling, he beats at the monster trapping him, but he’s too beautiful, too terrible, too much for Shouyou to be able to fend off.

It burns, stinging, singeing his flesh. He’s starting to turn black, crumbling at the edges but he’s still _trapped,_ screams echoing uselessly.

He finally dies when the monster at least has the common decency to snap his neck under the force pressed against his throat. Blood bubbles from between his lips and all he can see is Kageyama- but it’s not him behind those dead eyes.

* * *

 

“Shouyou, wake up!”

Throat raw, he sits up in a panic. Above him, Natsu is kneeling on his bed beside him, hand raised for another smack. Satisfied, she rolls onto her side and blinks at Shouyou, all big, innocent eyes and peachy cheeks.

“Did you have a bad dream?” She asks as she brushes back his stubborner bangs. She’s almost ten now, sometimes he forgets that.

“Y-yeah.”

“What about?”

He hears a small pop as she clips his fringe back, small fingers wiping away the remnants of tears. He manages to force out a smile as she pokes his cheek.

“Someone I like very much hurt me.” It’s all he can choke out thickly.

“It wasn’t me, was it? I said I was sorry for eating your lunch…”

“It wasn’t you...”

“Was it Kageyama? Because I don’t think he’d do that. I think he _likes_ you.” She mumbles, and Shouyou flushes. He’s glad it’s dark enough that she can’t see.

Then she stands up and grouchily tells him to go back to sleep as she stomps back to her own room.

He does, comforted by the warmth she’s left and the thought that if Natsu thinks Kageyama likes him, then maybe he _does._

* * *

 

The next morning is hell; he’s exhausted from lack of sleep, Natsu’s hair clips made his hair stick up funny (more so than usual) and he’s _late_ to practice. Of course, Kageyama notices something’s up immediately. He doesn’t ask much more than, “You alright?” before Shouyou is running in the direction of the changing room.

“Hinata-senpai was _late?”_

He hears a few first years gossiping.

Then he hears Tsukishima’s snigger, “Did you hear _that_ , Yamaguchi? Our _ace_ was late!”

Shouyou punches him in the face.

* * *

 

He’s cleaning the blood off his own face outside when Kageyama shoves him.

“What was that about, dumbass?”

He’s still sprawled on the floor when Kageyama starts picking at his lip again, shifting slightly on his feet. He opens his mouth as if to say something else but the movement splits his lip and blood begins to bead at the corner of his mouth. Shouyou has the urge to kiss it off.

“Are you still messed up from last night? Talk to me, Hinata, I can’t be expected to immediately know everything _going_ _through your fucking head!”_ The last part is shouted, and it’s enough to make Shouyou curl in on himself more. When a warm hand touches his damp t-shirt, he flinches instinctively. Immediately it’s withdrawn.

“What’s wrong?”

He can’t speak, too caught up in his own mind. Instead he pushes himself to his feet, and motions towards the gym. _Let’s go back._

Without waiting for an answer, he steps away from Kageyama and through the door separating them from the rest of the team, head hung low.

 _God,_ all he wants is to _fight;_ punch someone in the face; get one in return; break the skin on his knuckles. Being angry is better than being sad, he’s found over the years. Rather than cry, he bleeds. Instead of making himself smaller, he launches himself at anyone willing to come close just to make himself seem less so.

Really, it shouldn’t be a surprise when Kageyama’s foot comes out in front of him and makes him stumble into the dirt. Before he can react, he’s being held down by a _furious_ Kageyama. It reminds him too much of his dream.

“What the fuck is _wrong with you?”_

“Leave me alone!” Shouyou can’t help but almost scream, watching Kageyama’s eyes widen and his nose flare. He reminds Shouyou of a bull.

“I told you I was okay with it. If that’s what you’re so fucking upset about, it’s not a big deal!”

“Stop being so conceited! This has nothing to do with you.” Okay, that’s a lie.

“I didn’t know you even knew a word that long.” Kageyama remarks dryly, eyes rolling.

“Stop being such an asshole all the time. Gah, I fucking _hate_ you! I knew you’d end up like this again, _King_ ” That’s another lie.

Instead of snarling back like he usually would, Kageyama just stands up almost numbly. Then he starts walking, and Shouyou can do nothing but watch as he walks away from him for the first time since they met each other.

“Kageyama, I didn’- “

“ _Fuck you, Hinata.”_

And Kageyama’s out the school gates before he can stand and chase after him, though he doubts if he did so that it wouldn’t end in broken bones. So he opens the gym door and lets himself in while trying to pretend he doesn’t see the whole team running away from the windows guiltily.

“Alright, practice!” His voice cracks, but he plasters a fake smile on regardless.

When there’s roughly twenty minutes until they finish, a very tall woman walks in. She carries a stern air about her as she calmly approaches their bags in the corner and picks up Kageyama’s. Shouyou recognizes her from the side-lines of a few of their games, and she has the same flat resting face that Kageyama has yet it’s more refined and elegant than her son’s could ever be.

Her greying hair is tucked into a severe bun and she’s wearing a well-tailored suit, heels clicking on the wooden floor of the gym. Shouyou assumes she’s either come from work, or she’s about to go _to_ work, though it’s probably the former. Shouyou feels the familiar twinges of guilt in his gut. Kageyama was so upset that he had to ask his _mother_ to come and pick up his gear rather than face Shouyou and do it himself. Shouyou feels like an asshole.

“Are you Kageyama’s mother?”

She stares down at him impassively, lips set in a firm line. Silently, he marvels at how much Kageyama resembles his mother.

“Yes. And you are?” She seems unimpressed, though Shouyou wouldn’t be either in the situation she’s in.

“Hinata Shouyou, I just- Um, can you tell him I’m sorry?”

“From what I’ve heard, I think you should do that yourself.” Coldly, she opens the gym door and as quickly as she’d come, she’s gone.

* * *

 

Kageyama doesn’t show up for a few days.

Every text Shouyou sends is ignored, and every call is declined. In short, Shouyou fucked up big time. But he didn’t _mean_ to say that, why doesn’t Kageyama _get_ that? He’s told him that he didn’t, said it wasn’t what he meant to say and that it’s his way of being defensive but, still, he’s left alone.

“Kageyama, I know you’re mad. I didn’t- I didn’t mean to say it like that! Or sayit at _all._ You know I don’t hate you, I _don’t._ Maybe I don’t hate you too much… I said it because I was that close too telling you- “Beep _._

_Fuck._

Shouyou stares at his phone in disbelief, he accidentally pressed the end button with how hard he was holding his phone. _Unbelievable._

He’s about to call back when his phone rings, startling him. _Probably Noya telling him to get his shit together again._

_(“Tell him, Hinata!” Yeah, yeah, I’m fucking trying to.)_

“I’m not telling him, Noya. I think he hates me.”

“Like you hate _me?_ ” Ah, Kageyama.

Hinata may or may not (he does) shriek and drop his phone. Then he breathes in and out, in and out, in an out before working up the nerve to pick his phone up again.

“H-hi,” He clears his throat, “Hi.”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“I _know._ It’s just- I’m sorry! I didn’t want to say something I’d regret. More than what I said anyway. I couldn’t stand it if you told me you didn’t want me around anymore.” Word vomit, is all he can describe this as. Really, it’s a good thing that he slapped a hand over his mouth before he could say anything more.

Then, a soft voice in his ear, “What were you going to say? Y’know, if you didn’t say you hated me first.”

“The opposite of that.”

“What, you _love_ me?”

“No! I _like_ you, okay?”

“As in friend like? Or… or _like,_ like?”

“Like- “He gulps, and loses his nerve, “Friend like, I guess.”

Kageyama hangs up on him.

* * *

 

On Friday, Kageyama finally shows up to class again, but he doesn’t sit with Shouyou at lunch. Instead, he sits in a stairwell far away and the only reason he knows this is because of Yamaguchi.

“He’s sulking, you know. Yachi is trying to help but it’s not really working. And his mouth is bleeding really badly.”

Hinata almost coughs up his rice, “He doesn’t want to talk to me anyway, I think? I should probably leave him alone until he decides to talk to me again.”

Beside Yamaguchi, Tsukishima sighs, “You’re both idiots.”

“Shut up, Shittyshima!”

“Don’t say that to Tsukki!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsu- “

“Stop apologising.” Tsukishima yanks Yamaguchi up on his toes and kisses him square on the mouth, ignoring the squeak Yamaguchi lets out.

“See? Easy.”

Shouyou watches as Tsukishima drags away a red Yamaguchi.

“Did what I think just happened happen?”

* * *

 

“Your freckles make you look like a strawberry when you blush.”

“Shut up, Tsukki!”

“Sorry, Yamaguchi.”

* * *

 

Practice comes and goes, and Kageyama doesn’t come though Shouyou hears a few second years talking in the locker room, “Why would he just loiter around if he’s not going to come in? He _is_ our vice-captain; he shouldn’t be such a slacker.”

So, it’s not really a surprise when he finishes locking up the gym and turns around to find Kageyama leaning against the wall of the gym. It also isn’t a surprise to see his lips stained red and still dripping or the hand still playing with pieces of torn skin. He pulls his hand back, and in the dim light Shouyou can see his nails are spotted with blood, caked underneath the nail of his index finger.

“Hinata, I need to tell you something. And, I want you to shut up when I do.”

Shouyou nods.

“Just, I know you don’t feel the same, but I can’t _not_ tell you. I-I like you, Hinata. You’re such a dumbass and I thought for a second that you might like me back and you _don’t_ and I can’t take this anymore! I don’t want to have to fight the urge to tell you, at least if I do now I can get over it.”

He stops, breath whooshing out of him as Shouyou tackles him. He lands heavily on the floor, and yeah, maybe he smacked his head a little bit but Shouyou doesn’t feel bad when he looks that pretty underneath him. He opens his mouth, and like always, the bottom one cracks and blood beads at the corner of his mouth. This time, Shouyou can swoop down and kiss the blood off his cracked lips, so he does.

Kageyama’s lips are rougher than expected and they taste of iron and salt; blood. He pulls back quickly, licking his own and watches Kageyama open his mouth and try to say something, but nothing comes out. He clears his throat, and when he speaks it sounds strangled, “But you don’t- “

“I lied.” Face warm, he buries his nose in Kageyama’s neck, “I _lied._ ”

“I don’t want to trust you.” Kageyama chokes and he’s pushing himself up, off the ground, and Shouyou’s still below him. “I’m gonna go.”

“Stop running away!”

Kageyama whips his head around, and that familiar anger is in his eyes again, and for once, Shouyou is scared of what he’s about to say.

“I’m not risking our friendship for this. I’m not letting you either.”

“ _Friendship?_ I didn’t even know you fucking _considered_ us friends.” Shouyou is angry, teeth bared as he steps up to grasp at Kageyama’s collar to yank him down to eyelevel. “You never _said_ you did, at least.”

Blue eyes widen, and Kageyama snarls, “What _else_ would we be? Do you think I’d trust anyone like this? Trust anyone as much as I trust _you?_ What are we if we aren’t _friends?”_

“You don’t tell me, Kageyama! What am I supposed to think?”

Tearing his gaze away from Kageyama’s furious eyes, he looks down, and Kageyama’s bitten his lip until it’s bleeding again. Unconsciously, he licks his own, and Kageyama shoves him away hard. “Stop that! Stop acting like you want me when I know you don’t!”

Shouyou calms slightly at that, gently pulling Kageyama’s hands away from his mouth where they’re reaching upwards, instead holding them in his own palms to still them. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re you.”

Kageyama flinches, avoiding Shouyou’s eyes, “ _Because_ I’m me. I’m still the _tyrant_  everyone thinks I am.”

“But you’re amazing. You’re- You- You’re Kageyama Tobio: the most amazing setter Karasuno’s ever had! You know exactly which tosses to throw to make me _swoosh_ and _bam_ it onto the other side of the net!”

“There’s a difference between trusting me on the court and actually… _liking_ me, Hinata.”

“I’m not done! You’re tall, and strong, and your hair is always so soft, like, _amazingly_ soft _._ I like it when you fall asleep on me on the bus between games because it means I can touch it.”

Kageyama opens his mouth, “Hina- “

Shouyou cuts him off, “I’m still not done yet! And your eyes are amazing! I could stare at them for hours! And sometimes when you think nobody’s watching, you smile reeeally small but _I_ know because _I’m_ watching. And sometimes when you’re on your phone you almost laugh and I can tell because the corners of your mouth move and your eyes get really soft. And even though you yell at me a lot I can tell you don’t mean it! You just don’t know how to…” he thinks for a second, “How to not look grumpy! But even though you look grumpy, you’re really… you… you… you make my heart go _bam bam bam_ really fast!”

He brings the hands in his up to his mouth and very gently presses two very small kisses to their smooth palms. Small enough that Kageyama might not even feel them unless he’s watching Shouyou carefully. Clearly he is, because his cheeks darken just slightly, and his mouth opens before closing again. Slowly, Shouyou steps back to drop them.

It’s dead silent around them as Kageyama blinks a few times, then he’s crushing Shouyou to his chest in the tightest hug he’s ever experienced and Kageyama’s muttering quietly into his ear, “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

Pulling back, Shouyou cups Kageyama’s- no, Tobio’s face. He brings the taller down to eyelevel again, but this time, he’s pressing their mouths together again and this time Tobio kisses back.

He doesn’t taste like blood, as Shouyou thought, instead he tastes like spearmint gum and energy drinks. His mouth is warm and smooth, and Shouyou has never felt as completely safe as he does in this moment.

They break apart quickly, and rest their foreheads together regardless of the hair tickling each other’s noses.

“I’m _here.”_ Shouyou whispers. “You don’t have to close me out.”

Tobio smiles, and it’s prettier than anything Shouyou’s ever seen as he tucks Shouyou in his arms and quietly says back,

“ _I know.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry if thi s was lame but i deserve some cheesy shit bc of all the angst surrounding me like a cloud. look at me go. feedback is always appreciated :^)  
> also i'm considering turning this into a series thats just little things that make tobio the tobio shouyou knows and loves ^///^


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